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Take THAT, You Snobby Wasilla High School Bitches
Gwen Ifill, the moderator for tonight’s Vice Presidential Debate, must be careful not to appear biased, what with her Obama book coming out in January. I think she should just go ahead and ask the standard debate questions to Joe Biden, who can handle them in his sleep, having answered all of them at least 50 times already. (Forty times while combing his hair in front of the mirror, and ten times in person.) If he can avoid the use of the word “girlfriend” in any context he should be fine. No problem for Ms. Ifill, either.
The questions for Governor Palin deserve much more attention. Don’t want to appear as if the liberal media is picking on her. Her recent series of disastrous interviews with Katie Couric can be explained only by one or more of the following disturbing possibilities:
- she did no preparation for the routine questions Couric asked her. Not even a little. Determined to be herself and nothing more.
- she prepared thoroughly, but became so unnerved during the interview that she literally forgot everything she had prepped. All the catchphrases. Al the soundbites. Hell, all the facts! Gone.
- she doesn’t know anything about George Bush, global warming, the Supreme Court, policy with Russia and Canada, or economics. Not even enough to bat the ball back and forth with Katie a few times–no talking points. She doesn’t read magazines. Perhaps she reads fiction, or watches a lot of TV. She seems to be as intellectually unaware as, well, as I am, but I’m not running for Vice President.
- she likes it when Katie Couric rolls her eyes and flutters her eyelashes in stunned disbelief.
In order to keep it “fair and balanced,” here are my suggestions for some questions to be directed to Governor Palin. Start slow, and then build up to the real gritty stuff:
- Governor Palin, what is your favorite color?
- Governor Palin, where’s the best place to get a mooseburger in Juneau?
- Governor Palin, what are your kids’ favorite music videos? Follow-up: favorite video games?
- Governor Palin, do you like the environment?
- Governor Palin, if President McCain had a heart attack, what would you do?
- Governor Palin, how do you feel about Bristol and you-know-who living in the basement of the Vice Presidential compound on Observatory Circle? Will he be allowed to sit around and drink beer with the Secret Service detachment at the residence? Can you get him a job at, like, Commerce? Some GS-10 gig, maybe with an American Express card?
- Governor Palin, do you have any idea why Senator McCain didn’t select Condi Rice as his VP? Or would she not have appealed sufficiently to the right wing “core” you folks seem to care so much about?
- Governor Palin, do you feel you’ve become a drag on the ticket, an embarassment that everyone wishes would just go away? Did your classmates in high school view you as a pushy, hollow, ambitious, provocative, vindictive jock beauty queen with an attitude? Just wondering.
- Governor Palin, as Vice President, would you continue to attend Back to School night at your kids’ schools? It sure is a long flight from Alaska to Washington, D.C., isn’t it? We know you always try to put your family first. Does the Vice Presidential jet have cable?
- Governor Palin, how do you defend your use of political power to promote personal objectives, specifically as it relates to the hiring and firing of state and municipal employees? Is patronage like the best thing ever, or what?
With Joe Biden’s help, that should get Ms. Ifill and Governor Palin through the 90 minutes. It will keep Palin on firm ground, especially the hypothetical about President McCain’s coronary, which I’m sure she thinks about A LOT. Perhaps that’s why she doesn’t appear to think about anything else. A McCain-Palin victory in November would lower the odds of her becoming the first female president of the United States to one in roughly five.
Take that, you snobby bitches at Wasilla High School. I got your magazine subscriptions right here.
















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